Delicious revenge. / It is a dish best served cold. / Just like gazpacho.

Lent, I wait for it. / I enjoy giving up things. / Like being sober.

I am very smart. / My IQ is ninety-two. / That's an A-minus!

I thought I loved her. / But isn’t true love, I’m told / …if fam’ly approves.

What makes this man cry? / Knife wounds? No. Bullet wounds? No. / Where the Red Fern Grows.

Gram left her a house / and others the things inside. / Killing more fam'ly.

Two in the shower / washing, scrubbing, rinsing, but / keeping it dirty.

My GRE scores? / I was an English major, / so you do the math.

Walked into a tree / while playing Marco Polo. / Boy, are my friends dicks.

Whatever happens, / I will be proud of my son. / I named him “Doctor.”

I am not allowed / in Starbucks since ordering / an "Al Pacino."

Cigars, scotch, and naps. / Some days made for just these things, / and they’re called “weekdays.”

Lou Gerhig’s disease / took both my grandpas away, / so I’m a Mets fan.

Lust come at first sight. / Love comes from staring too long. / Guess what? I’m single.