I'll distract the guard / then during the commotion / you can just shiv 'er

"Those are nice turnips" / he said to the young lady / "May I have a look?"

Mariners know that / Souls are trapped fathoms below / The sea keeps secrets

We are but mere specks / standing in the shadows of / life's deepest secrets

Seals out on the bay / The white shark strikes from below / A shower of blood

Around the camp fire / Their eyes grow wider with fear / Powerful ghost tales

That leg looks quite bad / Sticking out at that angle / Would a Band-Aid help?

Drink up, you coward! / If you do that one more time / I swear I'll cut you

Who would have thought a / seven percent solution / would undo Sherlock?

On most Fridays here / The menu just reads "Shipwreck" / It's what's for dinner

The rat was bound to / fall for that painting, it's a / picture of some cheese

West Ham United / frustrates supporters again / with a scoreless draw

The legend is true / Once bitten by a vampire / things get all hinky

First a wet sponge then / an electric cattle prod / then sheer agony

The vampire uncoiled / If you value your life, run! / Far away from here

He didn't show it / but as the oldest vampire / he was quite weary

His poem was sublime / The blade stung as it went in / Then he lost his head

Here's something dear, if / vampirism is a virus / what is the vaccine?

Hot still summer air / Two dragonflies are shagging / His pension beckons

The cobra postures / Coiled as if to strike at us / Far from a doctor

Give birth on the porch / with the Swedish lunge method / A new dawn is near

Well, as vampires go / he's really rather charming / but just as deadly

Vampires are happy / if they have a DVR / Daytime shows are saved

This journey is fraught / with terrors so great we are / quaking in our boots

The scale of this thing / is beyond all our knowledge / We are not alone

I pause to look up / and see only wires above / where the sky should be

Oh, would you, could you / be as shallow as all that? / Put that thing away

The fat yellow moon / perched low in the sky, askew / as if tumbling down

I don't really know / whether things are up or down / She's enigmatic

It's so hard for me / there is really no trace of / her in the house now

I've considered it / just becoming a vampire / to hell with all this

Majesty, my life / is meaningful only as / your humble servant

She was ugly, so / so ugly, not like a hot / vampire from TV

The shortest distance / between two hearts is a kiss / mush mushy mush mush

Neighbors were surprised / Nine bodies in his crawl space / Such a quiet man

There will never be / enough victims to sate his / mad desire for blood

Tree fell down, fix the / car, dog ate my credit card / that's the life, I say

Sitting here alone / I wonder if she likes me / Now I'll never know

The plan was simple / Share the spoils now, and later / kill them in their sleep

persistent sadness / the man in the iron mask / doesn't get out much

Another orphan / a lone shoe sits by the road / it's story untold

Hey, wait a second / isn't this an open bar? / Wrong wedding again.

You'll love this feature / just press this little button / she's off to heaven

trying really hard / to squeeze a few more minutes / out of a long day

this one thing I know / my domain is eminent / the vortex is yours

karaoke time / Mel Torme spins in his grave / never enough beer

I have no items / in the bagging area / you dev'lish machine

the gargoyles looked on / raising no alarm as the / beast crept o'er the wall

I sat there alone / looking out the rear window / thinking he'd killed her

do one more poem / so what if I've been drinking?! / one more, you old fart

waiting for a wave / the landlord pays a visit / just glides by today

turns out my journey / is to finish this poem / 'ere the blossoms fall

it is destiny / we're meant to be together / damn voicemail again

call me 'big nose' one / more time and I'll take you to / the fucking cleaners

Worst Christmas ever / dressed as Santa he snuffed it / chimney too narrow

So many mornings / bottom of a gin bottle / kindergarten's rough

one two three four five / six seven eight nine ten e' / leven twelve thirteen

I know you crave it / but this is getting quite weird / too many midgets

There's a lone figure / on the rocks, his tune forlorn / the piper's lament

I know he's out there / the Landlord stalks me again / on my last ride in

We won't make it back / Camp is too far; looks like we / have to eat Smithers

We heard a pin drop / after Father Murphy cried / "Great thundering balls!"

Quite a catchy tune / Back In The USSR / It's been done before

to get what you want / sometimes the best way is to / pull rather than push

The remittance man / comes again but has no right / I have paid my dues

poet laureate / of Finnegan's Pub sits down / waits for free whisky

with frontier justice / the last sound a traitor heard / the rifle's report

all I can offer / my men is some Dutch courage / they know what's waiting

come on, don't be shy / these brains are quite delicious / reluctant zombie

I have never felt / closer to you than tonight / you are delicious

His Majesty says / if you do not surrender / you risk extinction

the sun is setting / dropping into the ocean / barely enough time

he heard a tuba / the notes were so bittersweet / she once played like that

you petulant rat / I don't suffer fools gladly / and you take the prize

it didn't take much / for his blood to boil; his heart / fixed upon revenge

your words cut deeply / I am not drunk yet, but I / am working on it

steely skies above / Dave Brubeck in the background / a snowflake arrives

Houston in winter / some snow is in the forecast / the city panics

Friday night at the / Raven Lounge; drunk accountants / ready to knock heads

bleak winter night / not enough alcohol to / get rid of this pain

I'm sure the thing that's / under my bed will try to / eat my feet tonight

in the wee small hours / I am still awake; you're gone / and the bed is cold

postcard of Fuji / is all I have left of our / brief time in Japan

his belly on fire / the curry was ferocious / the loo is broken

still watching tv / the remote fused to his hand / spiders in his hair

queueing at cafe / bakery, doctor's office / still a Russian scene?

panting and out of / breath he fumbled and fell off / she lit up a smoke

I am awash in / the blood of my ancestors / warrior kings all

early morning fog / the temple bell and ravens / their echoes muffled

I feel adrift out / here, away from my homeland / alien landscape

vultures high aloft / circling heralds of some / woodland creature's wake

drifting aimlessly / oh what an experience / my haze is purple

the old man whispered / something wicked this way comes / then the lights went out

his story earned him / a withering stare and a / cold night on the couch

no time to wonder / as the shark came 'round again / paint the water red

worst party ever / sitting at the kids' table / with three morose clowns

hide out under there / just made you say underwear / barenaked ladies

he spent his spare time / shagging sheep and shearing his / missus, or something

four magical words / 'Gentlemen start your engines!' / such powerful beasts

a table for two / a row, then reduced by half / and the band played on

the sound of raindrops / hitting our tent bringing back / summer memories

unaccustomed as / he was to after dinner / speaking, he fainted

quiet winter morn / I wait outside and nearly / freeze to death, again

thinks he is useless / trying to overdose when / foiled by childproof caps

the old blade flashes / now only three drops of blood / his foe is finished

the snow is crunchy / the rabbit scampers nearby / fox waits patiently

it says here "linger" / that's a French word innit, for / quite sexy knickers?

the wheels have come off / I know I should look away / but I simply can't

storm raging outside / emotions blunted inside / unable to cry

I was far too tired / to write a Christmas haiku / would Boxing Day do?

dinner is over / I'm doing the washing up / will they ever leave?

here in the stillness / the sound of a babbling brook / makes me have to pee

lost Edo moments / Hokusai with his pants down / courtesans scatter

there's little doubt now / gentle arc of your body / proof that God exists

I can't play favorites / feelings for both are the same / quite detestable

I am so worn out / I'm afraid if you touch me / I will fall apart

wee daily battles / too small for us to notice / the savage garden

can't tame that impulse / driving us forward, sometimes / to oblivion

kids these days, doubting / the Miami Sound Machine / ever existed

a new year for us / for Earth and stars above a / drop in a bucket

the scary image / of his neighbor in short pants / could not be unseen

in this taxi I've / learned to curse in Punjabi / meter still running

hot dusty Sunday / making a buck under the / big revival tent

an arctic attack / visits us again down South / winter wear sold out

screaming girls going / crazy at the Budokan / waiting for Cheap Trick

seasonal reference / goes here, then je ne sais quoi / makes a good haiku

these ice-covered roads / boost our chance of wintry death / pray for sanding trucks

standing on the beach / each wave louder than the next / the gulls tumble down

that shadow just there / if it's not mine and not yours / whose shadow is it?

the rooks are calling / atop barren winter trees / they're laughing at me

cougar on the prowl / those heels look ridiculous / isn't that your mom?

wherin our hero / too tired to fight more demons / braces for nightmares

sitting at the bar / Murphy's poet laureate / awaits free whisky

My Lord Budgerigar! / What chicanery is this? / A talking monkey?

skies darker than coal / the sea a ravenous beast / this feels more like home

can't I get it right? / flowers, dinner and some wine / you're still not naked

rain gently falling / straining at the ropes; time to / get a new fetish

in the Zen garden / only the pond koi and an / ancient caretaker

crossing the path the / snail is as unaware of / me as I of him

looking back at things / it was as if I'd been expunged / she'd stricken me off

my eyes are on fire / too much caffeine; I'm crashing / like a zeppelin; out

breeze becomes a gale / becomes a hurricane; she's / a force of nature

queuing at Starbucks / folks complain about the wait / buck up, 'taint Haiti

ah, the poet's dream / to somehow use the phrase "with / her legs akimbo"

wintertime struggles / the mind stretches for meaning / red chrysanthemum

carotid's better / but femoral's fine too, just / hurry, I'm hungry

in a great hurry / stuck behind a taco truck / don't like this parade

a loan alone won't / save this business unless it / can be forgiven

dirty sheets, threadbare / carpet, dishes in the sink / a crushing ennui

that cat, just how much / he weighed he would never tell / that old man Wilson

the rain sends forth the / aroma of young lotus / fish swim past my net

familiar old friends / grey misery and absinthe / thwart the winter sun

weekdays before school / gets out, she sees regulars / just making ends meet

meeting the day with / some balls-out nihilism / he spurns the seat belt

avant-garde nightmare / performance art shocker; sex / with an octopus

drum kit in the truck / all locked up and safe; bastards / broke in and nicked it

dawn's happy birdsong / brutally punctuating / a fine hangover

at first I was like / "whoa", and then I was like "whoooaaa" / it was awesome, dude!

'Verily I say / My Lord, 'tis proof of withcraft!' / 'Perhaps she's just French?'

the slip, then the blood / finger under cold water / will it need stitches?

Out on the water / surfers know the landlord is / C. carcharias

foggy dreamlike scene / people running everywhere / none of them have pants

death came quite slowly / not making any effort / to cover his tracks

his collection of / old shark teeth failed to prepare / him for the real thing

Infinite star worlds / in finite theories of space / robot holiday

her best quality / nihilistic tendencies / so close to the edge

he had some small worth / but still felt a bit useless / like a bent penny

I'm late, I'm late for / a very important date / literary too

dew drop on a leaf / universe in potential / another next door

wherein our hero / weary from the day's battles / slumps over; asleep

riffraff, rabble, dregs / I have been called many things / but that takes the cake

tired is the poet / having strained for words all day / bumps his head again

I watch the cherry / blossom set adrift like me / no longer useful

you are a rare prize / like Wonka's Golden Ticket / only tastier

that one's a classic / like all good country songs, his / dog dies and wife leaves

frenzied drum circle / something primal takes over / rhythmic catharsis

it's a lovely Spring / morning, and yet my life is / falling to pieces

bright sunny morning / can't remember where I am / I am not alone

ripples on a pond / start strong but then fade away / we were like that once

bear catches fish; bear / doesn't catch fish; no matter / same fish different day

the indignity! / to be found like that; a stroke / sitting on the bog

out on the front lawn / each dewdrop a universe / quietly alone

walls ever so thin / "Sweet Jesus come to Mama! " / from the next bedroom

This is a mistake! / Look, my name is Van Halting / I don't hunt vampires!

come, shake off the dust / our spirits dormant too long / let us simply be

juxtaposition / the Jabberwock and Dali / a good mind bender

for the butterfly / our gentle breeze is rather / like a hurricane

the current moves on / cadavers pile up, giving / us new lumberjacks

the house is empty / blinding agony returns / eight years since the wreck

afterlife beckons / the barman laughs one last time / the hearse waits outside

crows cackle softly / predicting a gruesome end / shotgun jammed again

inanely, grass grows / more so, a row of old guys / watching it happen

on Tuesday's metro / your laughter was delicious / still searching for you

I don't understand / they said it was 'happy hour' / but that isn't true

scoundrel attempts wit / "nice legs, shame about her face" / stitches mend his lip

going commando / to the Beethoven concert / he would understand

the fire ants rebound / new building plans surge ahead / the turf war renewed

It has been days since / I wrote a decent haiku / TV mind control

a day no different / duties need doing despite / a crushing sadness

as I sit and wait / doctors pacing up and down / what the hell is it?

even though she tried / the lyrics confounded her / "Don't Feel the Reaper! "

moonbeams don't know how / far they've come to dance upon / the water for you

childhood memories / transported by the smell of / gin and Barbisol

making ends meet now / is only possible with / organ donation

one meeting by chance / to learn your path is not mine / staggering sadness

I'm sorry, Mistress / I'm in no mood to obey / Ouch! That really hurts!

fragrant blossoms fall / sublimely from the heavens / I wish that you cared

I find myself here / upon the edge of ruin / and you taste so good

if this continues / I'll have to buy you a drink / and we can't have that

more uncertainty / x-rays and blood tests; I guess / no news is good news

have it your way, then / no quarter will be given / choose your weapon, Sir!

it took him two years / to say something to her, but / then the moment passed

I'm having trouble / thinking of something clever / to haiku about

cold light of morning / roads dotted with blood and guts / requiem for toads

the police found her / sitting naked on the floor / right next to his corpse

eyes small dark cinders / windows to a soulless place / happy birthday dear

her life was much like / a show from Cirque du Soleil / nudes always moving

plenty of absinthe / cozy next to the vodka / remains of the day

rain clattering down / my wet socks don't even match / there you are, smiling

this creaky old house / so full of sounds, it's haunting / feels like it's alive

if a poet's not / a poet laureate, then / the ends don't quite meet

the leviathan / rising, black eyes rolling back / water stained dark red

one thing is for sure / we're absolute beginners / your bra confounds me

I can hear, since / I live in the flat downstairs / don't you ever sleep?

sitting in the truck / rain clattering off the roof / drier than the tent

exquisite beauty / an everlasting blossom / too good to be true

your skin and bones are / quite a juxtaposition / clumsy words fail me

I woke up dreaming / or maybe it was screaming / have I woken up?

the void is still there / every time I try to write / the page remains blank

salesmen pace the floor / hoping for a customer / belts already tight

at every sunrise / I greet the rock and then start / pushing it uphill

the rooks mocking me / what do they know that I don't? / poetry stumbles

riding the currents / searching for roadkill bounty / vigilant buzzards

talk is cheap my friends / he who acts changes the world / make it so with you

still marking the date / a sad anniversary / two days she's been gone

little red bodies / covered in cypermethrin / fire ants extinguished

you don't need to ask / I would sell my soul for you / beggars and choosers

eyes in the mirror / two piercing bloodshot embers / they are not my own

a lizard struggles / there next to the interstate / his days are numbered

hey, you never know / this time may be different / unfinished haiku

too much cough syrup /  sensual strawberry jam /  haiku explosion

struggling to haiku /  I have to be somewhere else /  this poem sucks. yeah

the blue plate special /  might be making a comeback /  dust bowl déjà vu 

her bedside table /  an eggplant and lubricant /  he was scared witless

sitting on a bench / watching the squirrels go by / the cat indifferent

Friday night excess / beer cans litter the driveway / Grandad's wandered off

driven by money / the public gets what it wants / future days mortgaged

that's not a sausage /  she cried from upstairs, as he / tried to find his pants

Miss Jones! Oh, Miss Jones! / I'be dropped my pencil again / Thanks ever so much

a stone's memory /  the beginning of the world /  much older than old

watching a leaf fall / does an angel contemplate / my fate, do you think?

the window beckons / not to jump, but just to look / she weeps all the same

banal characters / slog their way through a thin plot / unhappy ending

I had it just there / best haiku ever, gone with / short term memory loss

I'm left to ponder / on an evening such as this / whether I exist

the banker’s question / does poetry pay the bills? / jury is still out

the gargoyles looked on / raising no alarm as the / beast crept o’er the wall

sitting down to write / haiku in peace, but that old / faucet drips and drips 

in a dark, dingy / hole I toil without fear of / remuneration

haiku well runs dry / I can’t think of anything / spatula monkey

you put arsenic / in my sandwiches today / but I switched them up

in these Afghan hills / birdsong traded for gunfire / and death far from home

after all these years / you still drive me fucking nuts / with your chattering teeth

I’ve thought about it / and I can honestly say / I wish you were there

navigating the / thin line between love and hate / unsuccessfully

struggling to wake up / I find it's late afternoon / nobody missed me

out of cigarettes / and only a skittish dog / for a companion

stumbling through the day / the sound of folded paper /  ringing in our ears

a ticking clock, and / the cold tears of a wronged man / execution day

with freedom of speech /  blows rain down upon us now / served and protected

those love poems for you / are now lining the bottom / of my budgie’s cage

health insurance woes / byzantine coding process / infinite red tape

on a grey wet day / raindrops hit the tin chimney / driving me insane

what a day Dad had / suddenly there were tacos / making it okay

when I first met you / things were all sunshine and light / you’re a monster now

the spider scampers / her web twitches with a meal / in need of restraint

a breeze drives away / some December mosquitoes  / so unexpected

infinite star worlds / in finite theories of space / robot holiday

callous seduction / goes awry and produces / two lifelong soul mates

a mighty redwood / surrenders to a chainsaw / but wounds the logger

worst Christmas ever / dressed as Santa he snuffed it / chimney too narrow

this ruined old man / someone should help him get home / the pavement is hard

pushing past limits / hiding oneself from oneself / long nights peter out

she floats, she's a witch / she sinks, she is innocent / but dead all the same

on a sticky-note /  "I can't take it anymore" / such a short 'Dear John'

jobless for ten months / tough economic times yield /  recharged porn career

Stand and deliver! / Your money or your wife, Sir! / Adam Ant redux

less than perfect crime / she put her arms around him / and pulled the trigger

routines are reset / songbirds after the rainstorm / cheer me up a bit

back when they first met / they were happy-go-lucky / carefree idiots

clever little poem / sitting on the shelf up there / waiting for its chance

bucket, brush, water / even scrubbing the toilet / has moments of Zen

things so off kilter / even country songs sound good / you wretched pudding

her blinding beauty / makes him cry at his shocking / credit card balance

temple bell sounds once / a single monk in repose / or a butterfly

it's simple really / I just want to be adored / Frankie says relax

Miss Jones! Oh, Miss Jones! / I've dropped my pencil again / Thanks ever so much

stone dropped in a pond / set back a million years now / anguished cries unheard

the cat's indifferent / as he coughs up a hairball / his breakfast routine

what shall we do now? / now that the graves are finished / and the bodies gone

obstinate genie / refusing to grant a wish / jailed in a bottle

I look up and see / cameras watching me, à la / nineteen eighty-four

you just saved my life / even if you don't know it / the mere thought of you

twenty frogs agree / nothing tastes quite like horseflies / and that's a good thing

let me get this right / the cat's been missing a week / and you've made kebabs?

it's late and I'm spent / the ghosts haven't gone away / I'm lucky that way

distant mountain range / marking the edge of the world / or so it appears

roadkill dead ahead / it's half a bloodied raccoon / the buzzards scatter

this watery grave / a final resting place for / all his ambitions