I once met a man / Who said he would change my life / And then I woke up.

I have decided / To assume you're all married / It's safer that way.

My mother told me / Not to take sweets from strangers / What else have you got?

I'm not that pretty / But I'm an excellent cook / I guess that's something.

I've got nice boobies / In case you were wondering / You probably weren't

Seahorses are real / So, better than unicorns / Have that Twitter nuts!

Tried writing a tweet / But all I came up with was / This lousy haiku.

Someone unfollowed / I guess they don't like haiku / Or brash British Jews.

I say "gosh" a lot / Please don't hold it against me / It's my Britishness.